Episode 4 - I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me

In kin•dom campfire chats, we asked camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey. With a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. 

Episode 4:
Camper 1 - 15yo - He/Him
Camper 2 - 15yo - They/She

TW: mentions of suicide attempts
"Let me emphasize that attending a gay camp was a huge turning point for me."

Find out more about us by visiting our website, kindomcommunity.org. There you can find information about kin•dom camp and consider supporting our work with a one-time or recurring donation. Be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram @kindomcommunity to keep up with all the important information.

Transcript

music  0:00  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  0:09  
Thank you for tuning in to kin•dom campfire chats, a podcast of kin•dom community. This podcast features the voices of LGBTQIA+ persons, both youth participants and adult staff, who attended kin•dom camp in Texas in the summer of 2023. We asked the camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey. With a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. We invite you to listen with an open mind and an open heart. 

music  0:50  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "This is the place”] 

speaker 1  0:55  
How did kin•dom camp impact you?

speaker 2  0:59  
Firstly, let me emphasize that attending a gay camp was a huge turning point for me. Before joining, I struggled with self acceptance. I was battling with feelings of isolation. I was lacking a sense of belonging. I hid who I was, even after transitioning. Like I was fully out to myself and my family, but to the outside world, I was you know, I was just– always been cis. And it was honestly scary for me, because I knew if one misstep, you know, the world would know. And it was, it was a scary time. I was very hush hush. When it came to my sexuality, I was extremely insecure, so much so that I was like, outwardly hateful to my fellow queer compadres. I felt like it wasn't worth living. You know, because all these people around me seemed so happy and seemed to know what they wanted and seemed to be proud of who they were. And for me, it was like painful existing as I was. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried, taking– I actually tried taking my life a couple of weeks before the first kin•dom camp. Fortunately, I'm still alive. I didn't think that at the time, but I am. When going to camp, I actually came here with a very negative mindset. I came here– I was forced to come here by my mom. She thought it would be good for me, it was. But I viewed camp more as my chance to, you know... you know, finally, like, take my life in a way that wouldn't impact my parents because they wouldn't have to find me. I was away, it was the first time I was away from my mother's side in months. And it– it was, it was different. I, the moment I stepped through the gates, like for camp, I was just met with this like, vibrant and, like, accepting community. Like– and I had never felt like that. At least, no one has ever seen me like that. Usually, it's like, you don't talk– oh, sorry. You know, it's like when people see me, it's, you know, they don't talk about me because it's like, oh, you know, we don't talk about him. He's very that's just– and you know, I was very not liked to say the least, I wasn't very nice person. I was greeted with warm smiles, open arms. Um, my anxieties were like, alleviated. Like, the atmosphere was just inclusive, understanding, and the staff here just had genuine support for the campers. I had the opportunity to meet an adult - a trans man, actually, and his wife - who, I think to put it lightly, they saved my life. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. It made me– I'm seeing a straight trans men out here, you know, um dating a cis woman, was - like with the woman actually just loving her husband as a man as as he is - was a pivotal point for me. It was like, it's not impossible.

speaker 1  5:08  
What is it like being a straight-presenting queer person?

speaker 2  5:14  
Um, majority of the queer community is very loving and accepting. But there there is, you know, the bad people exist in all spaces. And not all of us are as open minded. So I, I felt a lot of, like going to pride events for me was– especially like, at my school, or like my church, it was very, um a negative experience for me. Just because I mean, outwardly, I look like a cis, straight man. And anything I said would automatically be rebuttled with the, you know, you wouldn't understand. And I feel I can relate to that, but at the same time, I felt... I felt like an outsider in a community that's already so ostracized, and it wasn't a good feeling. So I would honestly, you know, say be nice to everybody, because you never know what they're going through.

speaker 1  6:38  
How was coming out for you, and who supported you most?

speaker 2  6:44  
I think I have the least interesting coming out story out of all the ones I've heard. I never– my sexuality, I've never come out as anything when it comes to my sexuality. But I came out as, technically non binary first. Exactly two years ago. I had been talking to my therapist for a long time, about how I thought I was trans. But it was for me, I– even though I don't think I was ever non binary. I think I used that as a stepping stone to get people comfortable with the idea of me changing my name and pronouns, you know, to test out the waters. I started using they/them pronouns, dressing differently, obviously, I changed my whole wardrobe. It was, uhm I think I tried to masculinize myself so much, it was honestly kind of toxic for a little bit. But my biggest support was my mom. Immediately she sat the family down, not just my family, but my extended family. And that was a big deal for me, because most of my family is Catholic, and most of my family doesn't even live in the US. They live in Colombia. So obviously, the idea of having a queer family member was surprising to most of them. But it was honestly freeing. Once I did start using the different pronouns and like, one day after the other, I just became more comfortable with who I was. And then I was like, 'Hey, do you think we could try him?' and the rest is history. 

music  8:28  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  8:39  
Thank you for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. This podcast is a production of kin•dom community. You can find out more about kin•dom community by going to kindomcommunity.org or by searching kin•dom community on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.  

Baylee  9:04  
Hi y'all, it's Baylee. I'm the Creative Director of kin•dom community.  

Andy  9:10  
And I'm Andy, the Program Director of kin•dom community. 

John  9:13  
And I'm John, the Executive Director of kin•dom community.

Baylee  9:16  
We wanted to talk a little bit more about kin•dom camp and how you can get involved. 

Andy  9:21  
kin•dom camp is an opportunity for LGBTQIA+ youth ages 12 to 17 to feel safe and free to show up as their full selves. Campers will have the chance to experience all the fun that camp has to offer in a week filled with affirmation, community, and celebration. This camp is intentionally created to be affirming space. It affirms all genders, sexualities, identities and varieties of belief. The only thing we expect is a commitment to welcoming and celebrating everyone where they are as they are. 

Baylee  9:50  
And this isn't just any summer camp - we're talking rainbows and glitter everywhere. kin•dom camp will include plenty of traditional camp activities and recreation, plus some specialized programming to incorporate activities and conversations around mental health, yoga, embodiment, and LGBTQIA+ history and culture. Now more than ever, LGBTQ youth are in need of unconditional love and acceptance. kin•dom camp is a space for just that. 

John  10:20  
We're always looking for fully affirming, welcoming, and loving adults to help us make kin•dom camp a success. This will be a wonderful opportunity to connect with, mentor, and learn from our youth. But most importantly, we ask that you are ready to celebrate everyone where they are as they are. 

Andy  10:39  
Both registration for campers and applications to be on camp staff are now open. You can find these links on our website kindomcommunity.org/camp. If you have any questions you can't find the answers to you can email me at Andy@kindomcommunity.org.    

Baylee  10:54  
Also, be sure to check us out on socials @kindomcommunity on Instagram and Facebook. We post all of our important announcements and fun camp moments so you'll want to follow along.

John  11:06  
Thanks for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. We are proud to be a safe space for these campers, and we are even more proud of them for sharing their stories. We hope you'll keep gathering around the campfire with us as we celebrate all of the stories that make us this kin•dom community.

music  11:24  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build..."]  

Transcribed by https://otter.ai