Episode 15 - On Being Straight Presenting & Exploring Faith

In kin•dom campfire chats, we asked camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey. With a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. 

Episode 15:
Speaker 1 - Adult - She/Her (Camp Nurse)
Tom - Adult - He/Him (Podcast Producer)

"I had a lot of built up hatred toward myself... which sucked."

Find out more about us by visiting our website, kindomcommunity.org. There you can find information about kin•dom camp and consider supporting our work with a one-time or recurring donation. Be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram @kindomcommunity to keep up with all the important information.

Transcript

music  0:00  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  0:09  
Thank you for tuning in to kin•dom campfire chats, a podcast of kin•dom community. This podcast features the voices of LGBTQIA+ person's both youth participants and adults staff who attended kin•dom camp in Texas in the summer of 2023. We asked the camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey with a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. We invite you to listen with an open mind and an open heart.

music  0:50  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "This is the place”] 

Thomas  0:55  
So I want to ask, my friend.

speaker 1  0:58  
Yeah.

Thomas  0:58  
My friend for many years.

speaker 1  0:59  
Yes!

Thomas  1:01  
What is it like being a straight presenting queer person?

speaker 1  1:07  
Yeah, that's a great question. And that is my life. Uhm, It's, it's interesting, being a straight presenting queer person, because the world perceives me as one way, uhm which, unfortunately, is more accepted than other ways of presenting. Uhm, But I do– but I am queer. Uhm, And so it's, I think it's confusing, uhm, to a lot of people in my life, uhm because, you know, I can be straight, or I can look straight, and feel, like, safe in some places. But, you know, it's like, if I'm, you know, with my partner, then it– it's very confusing, especially for the people in my life. Uhm, I also, I feel like I– any new person I meet, I have to come out to them. Which is, it's, it's uh, humbling, I think, and also, it's uhm, maybe humbling is not the right word. But it's, it's interesting, because, like, coming out was something I was so scared to do all of my life. Uhm, I, you know, didn't come out to myself for a very long time, even though I was in like, secret. And I, it took me a long time, and now it's something that I have to be faced with all the time. Uhm, you know, it's like any new person I meet, a lot of times, they just assume, like, we'll be chatting about, you know, just life and what you chat with, you know, like, with your friends or like people you meet, and they're like, 'oh, are you married? Do you have a boyfriend?' and I'm like, 'Uhm actually I'm, you know, I, you know, have a girlfriend' or I'm bisexual, or I'm queer. Or I'm gay, or however I'm feeling, you know, that day. Uhm, I usually just say that I'm queer, uhm, because it changes all the time. Uhm, and I think any queer person can, uhm, agree with that. You– we learn stuff about ourselves all the time. Uhm, you know, it's like, I constantly see someone and I'm like, 'oh, I'm attracted them. That's different. I didn't know that. Okay, that's cool.' So I'm just learning that about myself and uhm yeah. But it's, it's, it's kind of– it's like a weird like oxymoron to be straight presenting and queer. Because it's like, I can fit in in some areas in my life. And not have to be like so afraid.

music  1:44  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build”]  

Thomas  3:53  
Tell me about the intersection of your, of your sexuality and your faith.

speaker 1  4:07  
Yeah, so uhm, I grew up uhm, Presbyterian, uhm which, honestly, was a very welcoming space for me. Uhm, I grew up and it was like, here's the Bible, take what you want, leave the rest. You know, my parents are very spiritual people, so is my grandmother. And I mean, it was like we learned, you know, like, 'Oh, God is in the trees and nature' and like, you know, 'God will always love you.' And I mean, I even remember like, in my church growing up, like, like, knowing that God was non binary, like, that's how I grew up learning that, which is very awesome. And like, it would be like, 'Oh, well, how could you ever be in the closet if that's the way that you grew up with religion?' Uhm, But I also grew up in Texas, and I went to public school with a lot of Southern Baptist uhm, kids, and that's where a lot of that like self hate around my sexuality came from. Uhm, It wasn't necessarily like my home church or my parents or anything like that. It was really the kids that I grew up with. And so when I went to high school, I, I was like, 'Oh, this is wrong.' Uhm, And, you know, the way that I'm feeling is wrong. And that was, that was that was new to me. Uhm, and so I had a lot of self hate towards myself about that. I think a lot of queer people have trauma with religion. Uhm, And so it was– the– I had a lot of, I had a lot of trauma in that way, with that a lot of self hatred was formed from, like, the Southern Baptist culture uhm, in Texas, uhm, where I grew up, and so uhm yeah, that was tough for me. Uhm, You know, it's like, for a while, I was like, oh, like, you know, I can't, I can't do it– have anything to do with religion, because, you know, it's like, oh, that's, you know, the way that I, you know, these kids school and how I feel about myself, and, you know, and I think even like, in high school I was like 'does God hate me?' you know, it's like, I would, I find myself, you know, every Sunday, like, just crying in church, like, praying that like, you know, God, like, 'Oh, please don't hate me.' Uhm, and– even though that's not the way that I grew up learning, it was just like, that's, you know, especially like, in your middle school and high school years, those are so tough. Uhm, Because you're not only learning about like, not only was I learned about like my sexuality, but you're learning like who you are, like, who you– what you like, you know, all of the things about yourself, that's– it's such a tough time. And so I had like a lot of built up hatred towards myself, which sucked. And so I was very, uhm, I was very outspoken. As a kid, as you probably remember.

Thomas  6:54  
I do remember this.

speaker 1  6:55  
Uhm, and I was very loud, and very bright and silly and fun. And I still am all those things. And like, that is still my truth. But like, deep down, I had like a lot of like, self hatred towards myself. And so like, and I almost projected it in a way of like, I, 'oh, I love– I love me,' that was like my saying, in middle school. I always 'I love me,' my mom was like, 'You're so vain.' And I'm like, 'No, I love me.' But really, I like didn't like me. Or at least that part of me. uhm, And so, yeah, so I for a while I like was like resented religion, I was like, I'm not gonna be a part of that. And then kind of slowly into, back into my adult years, like college to now - I've been post grad for three years - so it's like, I've been kind of, I'm just kind of creeping back into a space in faith and spirituality that feels right to me. And so it's like, I, I've always felt very connected and supported by the Presbyterian Church and the people that like, I grew up knowing and, and I've always felt a lot of love from those people, which I've always had been very grateful for. But it's, you know, it's like, I kind of have delved into different types of things with my spirituality and like, but ultimately, like, what I have to come back to every single day is like, no matter, you know, who people say God is, or higher power or source or however anyone wants to describe God, like, I am very loved. And, you know, and growing up as a kid, we were taught, you know, we each have a little bit of God in us, and I know that to be true today, you know, and like, and like, I have God in me and I am loved by God. And I don't have to identify in any type of way with religion or anything like that. I know that that that's the truth. And uhm yeah, so that's kind of where my queerness and spirituality has kind of... yeah, yeah. 

music  9:04  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  9:16  
Thank you for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. This podcast is a production of kin•dom community. You can find out more about kin•dom community by going to kindomcommunity.org or by searching kin•dom community on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.

Baylee  9:40  
Hi y'all, it's Baylee. I'm the Creative Director of kin•dom community.

Andy  9:46  
And I'm Andy, the Program Director of kin•dom community.

John  9:49  
Don John, the executive director of kin•dom community.

Baylee  9:53  
We wanted to talk a little bit more about kin•dom camp and how you can get involved.

Andy  9:58  
kin•dom camp is an opportunity for LGBTQIA+ youth ages 12 to 17 to feel safe and free to show up at their full selves. Campers will have the chance to experience all the fun that camp has to offer in a week filled with affirmation community and celebration. This camp is intentionally created to be affirming space. It affirms all genders, sexualities, identities and varieties of belief. The only thing we expect is a commitment to welcoming and celebrating everyone where they are as they are. 

Baylee  10:27  
And this isn't just any summer camp - we're talking rainbows and glitter everywhere. kin•dom camp will include plenty of traditional camp activities and recreation, plus some specialized programming to incorporate activities and conversations around mental health, yoga, embodiment, and LGBTQIA+ history and culture. Now more than ever, LGBTQ youth are in need of unconditional love and acceptance. kin•dom camp is a space for just that.

John  10:56  
We're always looking for fully affirming, welcoming and loving adults to help us make kin•dom camp a success. This will be a wonderful opportunity to connect with mentor and learn from our youth. But most importantly, we ask that you are ready to celebrate everyone where they are as they are.

Andy  11:15  
Both registration for campers and applications to be on camp staff are now open. You can find these links on our website kindomcommunity.org/camp. If you have any questions you can't find the answers to, you can email me at andy@kindomcommunity.org.

Baylee  11:30  
Also, be sure to check us out on socials @kindomcommunity on Instagram and Facebook. We post all of our important announcements and fun camp moments so you'll want to follow along.

John  11:41  
Thanks for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. We are proud to be a safe space for these campers and we are even more proud of them for sharing their stories. We hope you'll keep gathering around the campfire with us as we celebrate all of the stories that make us this kin•dom community.

music  12:00  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build”]  

Transcribed by https://otter.ai