Episode 11 - The Feeling of Fear

In kin•dom campfire chats, we asked camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey. With a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. 

Episode 11:
Camper 1 - 15 yo - She/They
Camper 2 - 11 yo - They/Them

How different friends and family members respond to coming out.

Find out more about us by visiting our website, kindomcommunity.org. There you can find information about kin•dom camp and consider supporting our work with a one-time or recurring donation. Be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram @kindomcommunity to keep up with all the important information.

Transcript

music  0:00  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  0:09  
Thank you for tuning in to kin•dom campfire chats, a podcast of kin•dom community. This podcast features the voices of LGBTQIA+ persons, both youth participants and adult staff who attended kin•dom camp in Texas in the summer of 2023. We asked the camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey with a friend. And in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found, we invite you to listen with an open mind and an open heart.

music  0:50  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "This is the place”] 

speaker 1  0:55  
Cool, so who has been a good ally to you?

speaker 2  0:59  
Um, I would say my best friend. She has been really supportive throughout my journey of figuring out who I'm going to be. I met her in third grade. She came really late in the year so we only had about three weeks left. And the minute I saw her, I said she was going to be my best friend. And it escalated from there. 

speaker 1  1:23  
That's awesome. 

speaker 2  1:24  
And then this year for Pride Month, she got me a pride themed gift. And it was so amazing. 

speaker 1  1:31  
That's really awesome. 

speaker 2  1:34  
What is the strongest emotion you've ever felt?

speaker 1  1:38  
So the strongest emotion I've felt was - this is kind of a Debbie Downer - but it's, it was probably fear. I– my grandma on my mom's side is a strong addict, she's addicted to pretty much anything under the sun. Um, and would be very, when she would get drunk, she would get very like loud and aggressive and that sort of thing. And for a while me and my brother didn't know this. Well, my brother knew it. But I didn't know it. Because my parents and my brother was trying to protect me, which is great. But there was a blowout incident while we were there during COVID. We had gone up to the mountains to go hang out at their house during COVID because things were getting crazy here in Texas. So we were like, 'Let's go out into the middle of the woods so we can get away from the crazy of the city.' And there was, there was a really big blowout. And we, we went– we had to leave really, really, really quickly from their house. And then we got stuck there because no planes - they had shut down airports. And so we were sitting in the hotel, my grandpa on my mom's side was like repeatedly trying to contact my mom, because we had just like– our grandpa had driven us to the hotel and then never came back. But we– like he came, he wanted to come back, but we told him like don't. 

speaker 2  3:23  
Okay 

speaker 1  3:23  
And so my grandpa was trying to call us to convince us to come back and we were trying to get a flight out of out of there. And even though my mom wasn't talking about it, wasn't talking about how the planes weren't, like flying, they weren't leaving, or where we were gonna stay for the next month, because we had planned a month long trip to hopefully, hopefully COVID would have flown over at this time. We didn't really know. But me and my brother both, both had this like, it was an unspoken air in the room that we're gonna have to go back to their house and what is going to happen when we do? And that feeling that we had that night like we had tried like we were like, 'oh, let's go to like the pool we'll swim a little bit in the in the hotel,' but it was just this unspoken air and this unspoken anxiety that we all were feeling. That is probably the scariest moment of, of my, my life so far. But everything's good now. We're good. We weren't stuck in California for a month we got– we had to rent a car to drive back. Because again, no, no planes were flying. But then we then we had a nice little family– impromptu family road trip, which was which was really fun. All right, so what was it like finding out, like, how did you find out you were in the LGBTQ+ community?

speaker 2  5:07  
So when I was about, like, probably four, like, we were going to church, and I told my mom, 'I want to marry lady one day.' I do not remember this. My mom had told me,

speaker 1  5:19  
Ah, you heard through the grapevine. 

speaker 2  5:21  
Yeah. But I remember, she had told this. So I told her in church, and our pastor came up to us and said, 'Are you going to let her do that?' And I– she– we just stopped going to church really, like, pretty much after that. Part, partly because of like family issues with the church. But then a few months later– probably like, whenever I went to second grade, I had a crush on a little boy. And then right after that, I started changing literally every single avatar to a boy. And I would, and I started, like, on the first day of second grade, I was like, 'does this look like a boys outfit? Or is this like, look like a boy.' And like, I wore high tops with, that were blue with orange and red straps on them. And like a tiger t shirt that said, like, best day ever. And in like, third grade, I realized that– or I didn't know what LGBTQ meant. And then like in third grade, around, probably halfway through, or like, kind of in that section where it's like, halfway through, but you're still beginning. 

speaker 1  6:42  
Yeah. 

speaker 2  6:42  
Um, I was like, I'm a they/them and that– or I was gay. And like, after I had the crush on the boy, I figured out I was gay. And then in third grade, I realized that I was a they/them. And then, in fourth grade, I kind of noticed that, like, everybody I knew was LGBTQ. But most of them were not like– or, I was open about it and other people were too but they were all like being really mean to me. And they weren't like bullying me. But they were kind of like, once I said it, like, they all kind of started to want to push me away, especially in fifth grade. And everybody like, they kind of, they don't understand what it's like being like in a family that they support you. But at the same– like, my parents support me my brother supports me, everybody in like, my very close family. But then like, once you get to, like the grandparents 

speaker 1  7:42  
Get to the outside circle where you start feeling that hatred.

speaker 2  7:45  
Yeah. And then like, I'm really scared to go to some my cousin's house, because it's just like, they are very Christian and do not support me at all, or, like they understand, but they do not want to support me, I don't think. But it's just been like, really, it's, it's been really scary. And like, we do this project in fifth grade called exhibition to get ready for middle school. And in that project, I had done LGBTQ mental health, and nobody else had done that. There was like, one other and it was like gay rights or something. And like, I just remember being there on that day, wearing a trans rights are human rights shirt, and a long skirt. And I was like, and feeling that fear like that. I didn't know it was gonna happen. It was, it was exciting to go there. But at the same time, like I talked about this topic, and at the end of my presentation, and I have just been like, kind of had major anxiety my entire life so like, anytime, a lot of conflict comes up, I'll have like an anxiety attack. And it's just like, it's really hard, but I'm okay right now. I'm having fun. 

speaker 1  9:09  
Good. 

speaker 2  9:09  
But Yeah.

speaker 1  9:11  
Good. 

music  9:11  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  9:22  
thank you for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. This podcast is a production of kin•dom community. You can find out more about kin•dom community by going to kindomcommunity.org or by searching @kindomcommunity on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.

Baylee  9:47  
Hi y'all, it's Baylee. I'm the Creative Director of kin•dom community.

Andy  9:52  
And I'm Andy, the Program Director of kin•dom community.

John  9:56  
I'm John the executive director of kin•dom community.

Baylee  9:59  
We wanted to talk a little bit more about kin•dom camp and how you can get involved

Andy  10:04  
kin•dom camp is an opportunity for LGBTQIA+ youth ages 12 to 17 to feel safe and free to show up as their full selves, campers will have the chance to experience all the fun that camp has to offer in a week filled with affirmation community and celebration. This camp is intentionally created to be affirming space. It affirms all genders, sexualities, identities and varieties of belief. The only thing we expect is a commitment to welcoming and celebrating everyone where they are as they are. 

Baylee  10:33  
And this isn't just me summer camp - we're talking rainbows and glitter everywhere. kin•dom camp will include plenty of traditional camp activities and recreation, plus some specialized programming to incorporate activities and conversations around mental health, yoga, embodiment, and LGBTQIA+ history and culture. Now more than ever, LGBTQ youth are in need of unconditional love and acceptance. kin•dom camp is a space for just that.

John  11:02  
We're always looking for fully affirming, welcoming and loving adults to help us make kin•dom campus success. This will be a wonderful opportunity to connect with mentor and learn from our youth. But most importantly, we ask that you are ready to celebrate everyone where they are as they are.

Andy  11:21  
Both registration for campers and applications to be on camp staff are now open. You can find these links on our website kindomcommunity.org/camp. If you have any questions you can't find the answers to you can email me at andy@kindomcommunity.org.

Baylee  11:36  
Also, be sure to check us out on socials @kindomcommunity on Instagram and Facebook. We post all of our important announcements and fun camp moments so you'll want to follow along. 

John  11:48  
Thanks for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. We are proud to be a safe space for these campers and we are even more proud of them for sharing their stories. We hope you'll keep gathering around the campfire with us as we celebrate all of the stories that make us this kin•dom community.

music  12:06  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build”]  

Transcribed by https://otter.ai