Episode 18 - Longing for a Return to Summer Camp

In kin•dom campfire chats, we asked camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey. With a friend and in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found. 

Episode 18:
Camper 1 - Adult - They/Them (Camp Staff)
Camper 2 - Adult - He/Him (Podcast Producer)

"Tone it down or we're gonna pray for you."

Find out more about us by visiting our website, kindomcommunity.org. There you can find information about kin•dom camp and consider supporting our work with a one-time or recurring donation. Be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram @kindomcommunity to keep up with all the important information.

Transcript

music  0:00  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  0:09  
Thank you for tuning in to kin•dom campfire chats, a podcast of kin•dom community. This podcast features the voices of LGBTQIA+ person's both youth participants and adults staff who attended kin•dom camp in Texas in the summer of 2023. We asked the camp participants to think of a question that they wish someone would ask them about their life journey with a friend. And in their own words, the campers tell their stories of struggle, love, support, and a community found, we invite you to listen with an open mind and an open heart.

music  0:50  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "This is the place”] 

Thomas  0:55  
We were in staff training, we took a tour around the camp. And we walked by a zipline when we were walking down to canoes. And I sensed that you were having this moment in your conversation with me that you want to have this experience, but as you truly are. So my question to you is, is camp or what is another experience that you wish you could relive as your authentic self?

speaker 1  1:35  
Yeah, so camp is a huge one. I went to camp. Every summer when I was in youth group at the church I was raised in, which was a, as we call them at my current church, Fundagelical Baptist Church, and very conservative. And by the end of my time there, the last year or so of camp, I had sort of begun to realize my queer identity. And there were a couple of other kids in the youth group who were mostly, there was a couple of the boys that just sort of like knew, and they were okay with it. And no– I mean, nobody was like, openly bullying them, right. But at the same time, it was sort of like, 'tone it down, or we're going to pray for you,' or whatever it is. And so when I was younger, and I didn't feel that sort of otherness, camp was this great time to unplug, to be with friends, inside jokes and memories, and all these great things. And as I got older, it was it still was that but with a side of - when I'm answering these questions in our like, small group, bible study time, which we had, like morning and evening - like I can't be completely truthful, there are things that I'm hiding, because I don't know– and well, and like, my dad was a youth leader, he went to camp with us. And I couldn't risk it getting back to my dad. Because he would have not reacted, well, I probably wouldn't have been homeless. But again, I would have gotten a lot of backlash from my family. And I did when I when I met my wife and came out. It was rough at first. But since I graduated, and just over the years, it has sort of turned out that a lot of people that were on those campgrounds with me all those years, were in the same boat, you know, not just the two or three boys that were out when we were there and we all knew they were gay, and we kind of just didn't talk about it. Or a few of us were like, Yeah, it's cool. And you know, then the leaders were like, all concerned about them. There's a lot of us and my church had a pretty large youth group, like we rented out the whole campground and filled it up. We didn't join other churches. We didn't join other groups. We, we took a couple of charter buses to camp, there were lots of us several - a couple 100, usually at camp, there– a lot of us. So I don't know for other churches, depending on the size of their youth group, if they maybe do really just sort of have the one gay kid here and there that comes out. But for us, I think I know, at least a dozen that were, I mean, right there with me. And I even– there's some that I have, like suspected or it– like a rumor had gotten back to me since I left that now like are out and proud and living their best authentic, joyful lives just like I am. And I am so happy for us that we have found that. And recently, I actually, I ran into somebody at our local pride who I have not seen in years, and she was there with her partner and their child. And I, if you had asked me in a million years, pick somebody that you're going to see at Pride, I never would have guessed her name. But when I talked to her while we were there, even then she was talking about sort of knowing she was queer, when we were in youth and feeling sort of outside. And we were like within a year of each other's age. And if we had known, if we had had a way to connect, then that would have been incredible. And so that led me back to again, like the one other person I talked to the most from that time who has a lot of connections with the group sort of younger than me, I think the one girl from is the only one I've met of the group that's older than me, that– but that I was in youth group at the same time with. So I went to someone who is just a little younger than me. And I said, like, what if we just started a Facebook group, for those of us who were in that youth group together at that church, with the same youth pastor and the sort of like harmful teachings he sort of espoused, which honestly are harmful for everybody, we think, the– the sort of the things he believes and teaches. And I believe it genuinely comes from a good place in his heart, he really believes it and thinks he's helping people. And that's the hardest, sometimes I feel bad for being so sort of, like furious about it. Because he's not trying to hurt people. But he also like when we push back and say, this was our experience, wants to shout us down. So but we got together, we have a Facebook group. Now we all sort of told our stories. This is me. You know, this is when I knew who I was. Maybe in some of us it was I've known since I was five, and I hid it that whole time. And some people like me, it's I was a little older, when I realized it and sort of unpacked it as an adult. But one thing that we said - I told them very excitingly, excitedly, I am going to camp for queer kids. And like, yes, it's like the staff is church based. But the camp celebrates these kids and their whole authentic selves, their queerness, and their diversity and their neuro divergence, like in a way we never have had and couldn't have dreamed of. I was like, I am so excited for this week. I am so excited. Like, I just want to tell every queer kid I know. But they would overwhelm the camp. So we sort of had this conversation of like, Man, I wish we had had that when we were kids. And I wish there– and you know, like visibility, I have always said, like, I'm obnoxiously gay. You're not going to meet me and not know I'm gay by the end of a conversation unless I know I'm in a space where I'm really not safe. Because if there's like even just a kid walking down the hall at the school where I teach, and they know I'm there, and I'm a safe person for them. Like I want to be that. Because I didn't have that I had all of the shame and all of the fear. And none, nobody, because I was just, my world was just, like, church, and not any safe people. And there are even people now that I know, older than me from that church. I know they are gay or queer. And I am confident that they are in long term relationships because they have roommates, but they still won't say it in public because of who their parents are and who those people are. And I've been very lucky. I think those people, I've come out and a lot of those people still love me. And if they're praying for me, they don't say that. But I also feel like like I can't take my wife to that church. Right I Can't walk in there with my wife. So I, I have lost that place that was my home. People that were, might as well have been family, people, you know, who helped raise me and make me who I am in a lot of ways that don't really know the damage that they did. But so as we were talking about this, and this shared experience, and these people that we love who are doing their best, we were thinking about, what if I just told I told this group I said, I loved camp. And sometimes I feel like should I feel bad about that? Knowing that the things we were taught there were harmful. But I loved the sense of community, the unplugging the being together. And the like the deep conversations, like what do you spend a whole week on one, like topic and thinking about it, and it's part of your everyday life, like the really deep conversations and the way you get to know each other? And especially, we all went home together. And we kept you know, we weren't camp friends that saw each other once a year. We were life friends who spent a week hardcore connected. And I loved that connection. And I just said to them, What if we got together, and we had our own, like, gay camp, where we got together, and we unpacked the things we were taught, and we shared space, and we shared meals, and we played some silly games, and we had some fun. Because like, yeah, we're grownups. But that doesn't mean we can't buy an earth ball and mow each other over with it like teenagers. But one one of us vetoed, that, that was apparently their least favorite camp game. So it's like, fine, no death ball, we'll play something else. But just to be silly. And to know, like, like, I'm sorry that we didn't have each other back then, that we were scared, that we didn't know, that we could have, we could have had that then, some of us, if we had known a safe way to say, like, Hey, me, too. But we were all hiding so far. And just afraid that everybody was dangerous. So to just have a moment, a weekend, or whatever, to get together, and unplug and be together as ourselves and reconnect with these people who were so important from– for– to us, that we ran away from, because we didn't know they were safe, that we were safe with them. And to like reforge those connections as our own joyful, authentic selves, as a form of healing. Because I think some people like leave, and they don't want anything to do with church, they never want to look back. But when you spend that much time and you love people that deeply, but you're so afraid of what's going to happen when they find out who you are, finding out that they- they felt the same way. And rebuilding those connections, I feel like we are all really I was afraid when I suggested a Facebook group that they were going to be like Stop being clingy, leave us alone, and they have all embraced it. Because they all want that connection and to sort of paint over that trauma with like, here's a good thing we got from it or not paint over it and ignore it, but here's a good thing we got from that time in our lives that was very hurtful in a lot of ways. And and something a good thing we can have going forward. So we have been talking about let's rent some cabins on a campground let's get together and hang out. And we're still sort of deciding what that looks like but we're shooting for next summer. And I was very excited coming here that one of our other staff members has worked on on events and and things like that and so I'm going to bounce some ideas off of them and then see what we can do to just have a really good and healing experience. 

music  14:33  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build, let's build a place we can go”]  

Narrator  14:42  
Thank you for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. This podcast is a production of kin•dom community. You can find out more about kin•dom community by going to kindomcommunity.org or by searching kin•dom community on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube.

Baylee  15:06  
Hi y'all, it's Baylee. I'm the Creative Director of kin•dom community.

Andy  15:12  
And I'm Andy, the Program Director of kin•dom community.

John  15:15  
I'm John, the executive director of kin•dom community.

Baylee  15:19  
We wanted to talk a little bit more about kin•dom camp and how you can get involved.

Andy  15:24  
kin•dom camp is an opportunity for LGBTQIA+ youth ages 12 to 17 to feel safe and free to show up as their full selves. Campers will have the chance to experience all the fun that camp has to offer in a week filled with affirmation community and celebration. This camp is intentionally created to be affirming space. It affirms all genders, sexualities, identities, and varieties of belief. The only thing we expect is a commitment to welcoming and celebrating everyone where they are as they are.

Baylee  15:52  
And this isn't just any summer camp - we're talking rainbows and glitter everywhere. kin•dom camp will include plenty of traditional camp activities and recreation plus some specialized programming to incorporate activities and conversations around mental health, yoga, embodiment, and LGBTQIA+ history and culture. Now more than ever, LGBTQ youth are in need of unconditional love and acceptance. kin•dom camp is a space for just that.

John  16:22  
We're always looking for fully affirming, welcoming and loving adults to help us make kin•dom camp a success. This will be a wonderful opportunity to connect with mentor and learn from our youth. But most importantly, we ask that you are ready to celebrate everyone where they are as they are. 

Andy  16:42  
Both registration for campers and applications to be on camp staff are now open. You can find these links on our website kindomcommunity.org/camp. If you have any questions you can't find the answers to you can email me at Andy@kindomcommunity.org.

Baylee  16:56  
Also, be sure to check us out on socials @kindomcommunity on Instagram and Facebook. We post all of our important announcements and fun camp moments so you'll want to follow along.

John  17:08  
Thanks for listening to kin•dom campfire chats. We are proud to be a safe space for these campers and we are even more proud of them for sharing their stories. We hope you'll keep gathering around the campfire with us as we celebrate all of the stories that make us this kin•dom community.

music  17:26  
[Andy strumming guitar & Baylee's voice singing: "Oh let's build”]  

Transcribed by https://otter.ai